Know Your Poop!

Gold Pills Makes You Poop Gold

via The Consumerist by Ben Popken on 12/14/10

Now you can make your own Golden Poo trophies at home with the line of Gold Pills by Citizen:Citizen. For just $425, these 24k gold leaf filled capsules will "turn your innermost parts into chambers of wealth."

The price tag is a little steep, and the product page says it's temporarily unavailable, so why not just take some shots of gold glitter instead?

Gold Pills [CITIZEN:Citizen] (Thanks to Nicole!)

Morphine Drop

Justin Time had all the time in the world to let this puppy stew.  (Mmmmm... puppy stew).  Being on morphine, a constipating agent, for several days prior to this large lay, Mr. Time had built up quite the blockage.   When enough was enough, and having been restrained from his porcelain throne for way too long, he succumbed to the stool softener, an effective dynamite to his intestinal dam.  When the flood gates opened, he made it to the toilet just in time... We may have to call the committee to determine if this use of performance enhancing drugs was legit.  The phantom pooper, for one, says it is.

One of the Phantom Pooper's father's favorite riddles:

Why are your turds tapered at the ends?
So your asshole won't slam shut.

Decapitated Dump

Mr. GrabAsstino must have prematurely pinched, for the head of this hearty helping of hell's candy lays lifeless to its left.  It's a sad state of affairs when a dump ends before it's complete.  But that's how the anus operates.  Who knows happened?  Mr. GrabAsstino may have been surprised by a knock on the door, or needed a break from the purposeful pushing, or was simply tricked into thinking the turd tickled its last tuft of tush-hair.  Alas, Henry the VIII would be proud.

The Phantom Pooper thanks Mr. GrabAsstino for sending in his rather large log, but wishes to one day see a completely intact bowlfiller.

Phantom Pooper

Here I sit, in smelly vapor,
Cause someone stole the toilet paper. 
How much longer shall I linger 
Till I'm forced to use my finger?

Why are poops tapered at the ends?

Why are poops tapered at the ends?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.

My dad once told me that joke, and I laughed for a few solid minutes.  But never did I more drastic necessity for a tapered deuce than in the photo submitted by Shitty Fitti.  Shitty's crap looks like it's fist-size in the middle.  Can you imagine the reverberations of his asshole if that poop was not, in fact, tapered?  I sure can't.  And don't wish to ever picture that in my head again.

Shitty saw me out in a bar and came running up to me like a kid and his first Aced test, so very proud of his little (errr... large) creation.  Shitty, nice job... a valid first contribution to  Keep on deucing.

Phantom Pooper

The SourDoug Pretzel

Deucing Dougie does it again!  This time, Dougie somehow created a sourdough pretzel... which he uniquely trademarked The SourDoug™.   

I know what you're thinking PrizedPoopers, mainly because I constantly get emails from you begging to know: Does Dougie use sturdy hands to shape these stunning stools?  A little doubtful myself, I took the question to the man, the myth, the legend... and he promptly smacked me in the face.  How dare I insult his invocations!  Dougie, I apologize, and beg you to keep doing whatever it is you are do, keep eating whatever it is you eat, and keep creating whatever it is you create.  For without you, the world would be a whole lot less interesting.

The Godfather

I got an email from the Godfather himself:

From the stretched out sphincter of Ass-happy Anthony's anus arose an audacious -- albeit atrocious -- assemblage: an amazing artwork.  Call it an eel, a snake, a walking stick... scratch that. Call it the Godfather. It was actually the initial poop that perpetuated this priceless pooping proposition that pulls participants to ponder the possibilities of the depths of the porcelain ocean.  

Damnit, Anthony, gotta stop you here. Enough alliteration.  This was the first poop that passed through the cellular airwaves and started the deucing duels.  Well created, Ass-Happy Anthony.  Took you long enough to resend it to me.